Dear Mam:
As you know, Bern-it-Up! LLC has been the official sponsor of The Sub-Cranial Cavern for The Cavern’s entire existence. This is a relationship that is agreeable and mutually beneficial. Bern-it-Up! is proud to count The Sub-Cranial Cavern employees among its most ardent and only readers. The company also enjoys supplying The Cavern with readership. Creatively, spiritually, and sexually all is well. Unfortunately, amidst this dreamy backdrop, Bern-it-Up! is facing a financial crises; that is to say, the company has yet to raise the substantial cash reserves necessary to support its own gargantuan waste of time. Although Bern-it-Up! appreciates that The Cavern is likewise accomplished in this realm, and greatly respects this shared mission, the company’s employee has unanimously voted to withhold funding for any secondary projects until such time as the employee has eaten. Though the decision was difficult and tragic, it “might taste good”. That being said, rest assured that measures have been taken to dissuade this type of aspiration in the future, including adopting a stylish new motto: “Don’t eat!” The company is confident that this is a vast improvement over the overly optimistic old motto: “Food!” This is a cost effective change as well, as the new company logo will simply be the old logo (with the hungry guy and the fruit basket) festooned with a big red “X”. It is this sort of ingenuity that keeps Bern-It-Up! in contention to make a donation of actual usable money (sorry about the Monopoly thing) sometime in the not so distant future, or at least before we transfer over to the DNA swap currency system. As, no doubt, The Cavern has often heard: patience, indulgence, and hallucination are the keys to any good Bern-it-Up! contractual relationship.
Though financial support may be lacking, Bern-it-Up! offers its sincerest, warmest, and most heartfelt ________________, which we trust The Cavern will be able to imagine with the utmost spirit, dignity, and patriotism.
Yours most evasively,
Berni Tup
Founder/Employee/Company
Bern-it-Up! LLC
P.S. To assist us in cutting business expenses further, please photocopy this letter and deliver it to yourself at the beginning of each month.
